home Features Fake it or Make it: How to Fake Getting into Law School and Being a Lawyer

Fake it or Make it: How to Fake Getting into Law School and Being a Lawyer

KYLE REES
<Osgoode News Editor>

RJ WALLIA
<Staff Writer>

RJ: Well ladies and gentlemen, this is it, our final edition of Fake it or Make it. From the beginning, we’ve tried to provide you with the solutions and answers to life’s toughest questions that you may ever face while being in law. From vodka to scotch, wine and cigars, boating and shooting and a list of other things, we’ve done our best to make sure that we keep you well informed (not that well) and educated (not that educated) about a variety of topics. We had a blast doing it, to say the least.

For our final article, we decided to give an overview of our knowledge of what we have experienced here. Both Kyle and I have come from different coasts on different sides of Canada, to the belly of the beast that is Toronto. We both have had our criticism and praise for this city, and now we think we can find a way to show you, Osgoode, how to succeed here as we have.

Kyle: Let’s face it. For most of you, we have been preaching to the choir. You’re all at least class-B fakers, since you made it into law school. You had to bullshit ideals of social justice on your application, and then lie to all of your family and friends about what you were going to do when you got there. You even wrote a test (the LSAT) which is all a charade perpetrated by some old-school logicians who are annoyed they stopped teaching modal logic in reform school. So you don’t need too much more in terms of tips from us, you’ve already got the makings of a great bluffer.

RJ: Here’s some tips about how to fake being a lawyer. Depending on what kind of law you want to do, there are some universal truths (not at all truths) that you will need to remember and utilize in your career.

      1. You can bill everything. Getting a water, buying a coffee, sitting in your office seeing how fast you can spin your chair, all of it counts as hours to be put to the client. (This is so not true at all and please don’t do this.)
      2. A $2000 suit is absolutely necessary. People have the sartorial elegance in law to determine, in a glance, where and for how much you bought your outfit. Clients take comfort in knowing that their representative has gouged others as you have been gouging them, as at least it means you are experienced. Also, you want to show those other lawyers out there you mean business. Nothing screams success like spending a lot of money on fitted fabric.
      3. Reputation counts for nothing. All that matters is that you win at all costs and if you can ruin another colleague in the process, go for it. I mean, after all, all you’re doing is thinning out the competition. And if they couldn’t hack it, they shouldn’t be in the field, right?

Sound like bullshit? It’s cause it is. Realistically, the biggest advice we can give is not to be a douchebag. You’ve got a lot of responsibility, an incredible amount of debt, and a load of knowledge that you don’t feel is adequate enough. However, if you’re confident, know when to ask for advice, and know when to make a decision, you’ll be just fine. I’ve had a blast writing these articles and I want to personally thank Kyle Rees for approaching me with this idea. I honestly think that, despite me thinking he’s a socialist fiend and he thinking that I’m a corporate harridan, we’ve got to do some pretty cool things. Also I’d like to thank all that we have interacted with in order to get these things done. Andrew Monkhouse, Nick Voight, Avery Dyck, Deana Toner, Stephanie Marple, Anna Koppelman, Jenn Biggar, Jess Mathewson, Marcel Malfitano, Laura Fagan, Pat Boily and the list can go on and on (if we’ve missed you, please don’t take it personally). They have all added to our enjoyment and we hope that you guys had a blast too.