EVAN IVKOVIC
<Contributor>
A second year law student at a prestigious law school, Graham Wilkins, has joined a local youth gang and is helping them rob people of their possessions and money. When asked about his motivation for joining the gang, Graham said, “As a representative of my law school, which is committed to helping underprivileged members of society, I decided to volunteer my time helping the under-18 members of the local gang in their operations. This typically involves the robbery of local university students by way of deft hands, intimidation or sometimes force.”
When further pressed on why he joined the gang, Graham noted that “the gang I joined is largely composed of impoverished youths, and since my school requires me to do social work for a law degree and I need a law degree to work for a large corporate law firm, it just made sense.”
We approached members of the gang for a statement. They promptly stole most of our material possessions. Afterwards, one member, who chose not to disclose his identity, praised Graham’s ability to quickly adapt to the rigours of robbing random civilians, noting that “he’s robbed more people than any other member of our crew and he’s only been with us for 3 hours”. Another member of the gang said, “Graham is the scariest person I’ve ever met and I regularly hang around guys who’ve been to prison.”
Graham’s work for the gang has not gone unnoticed. A partner at a large business law firm, who spoke under the condition of anonymity, said, “That’s the kind of initiative that we look for at our firm. Graham’s volunteer experience shows that he has the right kind of attitude to be a successful corporate lawyer.”
But volunteering for the gang has not been without unique challenges. “It’s pretty awkward robbing fellow law students, especially if I know I’m going to have class with them the next day”, said Graham. He followed up on that statement by clarifying that “that’s just the nature of the work, though.”
Some are hesitant to join in on the praising of Graham. Third year law student Ashley Greene, when asked about her thoughts on the matter, said, “I’m pretty sure robbing people is illegal, and if it’s illegal a law student and future lawyer should not help anyone rob others, even if those people are underprivileged. I don’t know for certain though, I’ll have to go check my textbooks.”
Nyla Nardique, an alumna of the school, touting herself as a rare voice of reason, took a more dogmatically critical stance, stating that “what Graham is doing is unequivocally horrible and my law school’s endorsement of Graham’s gang affiliation has completely tarnished the fondness of my law school memories, as well as my grip on reality.” Presently, Nyla, who quit the legal profession and is disillusioned with the world at large, can be seen stocking shelves at Wal-Mart with a despondent look on her face.
Yet Graham is not bothered by the challenges, or the criticism. “I believe in myself and everything that I do. Honestly, I’m loving this, and I plan to be with the gang for the foreseeable future,” said Graham, later flashing a subtle but menacing grin that left us with a chill feeling. We then ended the interview and scurried away in fear when Graham began leering at our iPhones.