Horoscopes

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will feel doubt in the next two weeks, but don’t fret, this is merely a formality for epiphany. Coming your way, like the changing seasons, is warm weather and firm embraces. Refrain from wearing spring colours for as long as possible, it will deter oncoming lovers and invite ghosts.

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Vegetables have never been a good friend of yours, but look forward to changing this soon. You will find a need to ‘cleanse’ in the next two weeks, and your spirits will soar to an annual high. Focus on improving circulation, as this will facilitate a more neutral personality.

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

I looked in the tealeaves this morning and had a startling find for all Geminis! There will be a sports star in your life very soon. This athletic genius will pick you up in a midsized sedan that will either be silver or dark green. You will go for a meal together and this person will declare to you that they are going to go through with the chest augmentation surgery.

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You need to buy new shoes. If you keep wearing those old rags around you are going to end up with a foot fungus problem and no more friends. So smarten up and treat your feet right. As well, I see that a tall stranger will enlighten you with muscular news.

Leo

July 23 – August 22

No one has told you recently, but you’re beautiful. I don’t mean beautiful like a flower or a sunset, but beautiful like an old couple holding hands. It is important for you to remind yourself of this at least once a month. Get yourself some frozen yoghurt this week, but do not add any toppings. Toppings will send you down a dark path.

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

When was the last time you were at a concert, Virgo? When is the last time you cried in front of a painting? When was the last time you lost a fingernail at an amusement park? Virgo, use the next two weeks to really think about your movements.

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Libra, focus on oral health for the next 10 days. Get some flossing in, brush a little more and finally get a mouth guard to stop all the teeth grinding at night. For you it’s never too early to start thinking about what you’re doing for Valentine’s Day. The tarot cards suggest you focus more on new beginnings rather than old sunken ships.

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Even though we can’t change the regrets of our past, we can erase them electronically. Spend some time meditating on your online personality and approach some friends to join you in your meditation. Advocacy may be in your future, but it depends on what time you fall asleep.

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have never truly learned to live in the moment, Sagittarius. You have never gone swimming at a friend’s birthday party and thoroughly enjoyed yourself. Start by making some eggs at least one time this week. This will springboard you into a new world of awakening. Also, try and avoid gambling. The odds are not in your favour.

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Your horn of plenty has run dry, Capricorn, it’s time to buckle down and look at the realities of each decision you make. So far the laws have worked in your favour; however, I have had a vision that puts you at the end of a very long hallway. Look to hearty meals to turn the muses in your favour. Avoid updating your Facebook status, nothing good can be gained.

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are too focused on love, Aquarius. This has been the case ever since Conrad Black was released from prison. This month focus on loving yourself, and that will lead to positive vibration, which will entice others to bask in your aura. Thinking of loneliness is different than being alone. Remember that.

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Lay low this month and recover from recent successes. It’s not too late to start that hobby or make that online dance video you’ve always wanted to. Keep in mind that a strut starts with one step and a lot of attitude, so keep it contained until you have perfected your craft. Good news will come via telegraph.

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