EVAN IVKOVIC
<Staff Writer>
Canadians worldwide reacted in disbelief upon hearing news of Russia’s new policy regarding tolerance of homosexuals, sexual minority groups, and allegedly non-traditional sexual propaganda. They then quickly changed the channel to watch the new episode of Breaking Bad.
The controversial law specifically bans “propaganda of non-traditional sexual relations among minors”, which many critics of the law interpret as being vague and ambiguous enough to permit unjust treatment of homosexuals and other sexual minorities at the discretion of government officials. One Moscow man, Igor Ivlovsky, was arrested for wearing a pink shirt, a pair of capris and a pair of loafers. He told us, “I’m not even gay, I just desperately want to be stylish, so I model my fashion sense over what soccer players wear. Although to be fair to my government, my outfit was probably kind of fruity.” We approached another Russian man, who will remain anonymous, during our stay in Moscow, asking him about his thoughts on the new Russian law that we clearly expressed as being unjust at the time of our acquaintance with him. He then proceeded to beat us up. Afterwards, with our heads down, we took a plane back to Canada.
Vladimir Putin, in a statement to the press at the final plenary meeting of the Valdai International Discussion Club, maintained that the law does not discriminate against gays, nor does it infringe on the rights of sexual minorities. “The law is designed to alleviate the problem of European population declines, as gay marriages do not produce children and we do not want to depend on immigrants for population upkeep,” said Putin, in a bizarre and illogical rant that reminds us of our racist grandfather. “One again, I want to reiterate that sexual minorities are not being unfairly targeted as a result of this law”, Putin insisted, while giving a nearby homosexual man a painful looking purple nurple.
The Obiter approached, at random, Canadian civilians on the street, encouraging them to share their thoughts in one of our television segments, “So What Do You Think, Eh?” Simone Lucroy, a proud Montrealer, said, “Russia’s law against gay symbols and alleged gay “propaganda” is bigoted, unjust, and worst of all, tragic. But yeah, wasn’t the last episode of Breaking Bad incredible? It’s all I’ve been thinking about today.” Jake Smith, when asked about his opinion on the new Russian law that has Olympic athletes protesting the event and the overarching global community slightly displeased with the Russian government, said, “Huh? What law? Oh, I don’t really follow the news, sorry.” We then attempted to take the 1 minute required to inform Jake about the law, but he walked away from us because he had to “meet a friend, or go to the dentist, or something like that.” Michael Dansburry, a native of Toronto and a man who proudly self-identifies as gay, said, “I have a lot to share about this new law and why it is horribly unjust. For one…”—at which point we were distracted by a Breaking Bad advert and completely missed everything he said.
Many others are critical of Russia’s new law, as well. As alluded to earlier, Olympic performers are protesting the event en masse. Alleged “athlete” and professional curler Kevin Martin staunchly disapproves of the law, and plans to attend protests against the law, in addition to the “many, many, and I mean many protests” he has already participated in. When asked if he would nevertheless participate in the Olympics, Kevin responded by saying, “Well… I mean, my sponsorship with Gatorade depends on my performance in the Olympics. I play curling for a living, the fact that I even have a paying sponsorship is a miracle and I intend to hold onto it for dear life.” Our interview with Kevin ended with him meekly pleading, “Please still like me,” as we awkwardly inched away from him.
Kevin Martin is not the only Olympic performer that is not happy with Russia’s stance towards sexual minorities. Russian national Olga Rasnikov, a speed skater and actual athlete, expressed her fury with the law to us, saying, “The law is just awful. The worst part is that few people truly care, other than those that are directly affected by it, specifically sexual minorities themselves. Even among those might genuinely care, most of the time if their self-interest is somehow threatened, their outrage over the law ultimately takes a backseat. It’s just sad.” We then quickly lost interest in listening to Olga or doing any more research on Russia’s new law and began binge watching Breaking Bad episodes in preparation for the upcoming finale.