EVAN IVKOVIC
<Staff Writer>
For Chris Bosh, his dream of headlining a major motion picture is finally coming true. Bosh, harnessing his knack for looking like a dinosaur, is headlining the new Jurassic Park movie as a brachiosaurus. Bosh informed reporters:
It was either this or a movie where I play an ostrich that learns to love his owner. There was also a promising role as a giraffe that’s reunited with his lost child. Ultimately though, I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to contribute to such a treasured franchise as Jurassic Park.
We asked Bosh what he values most about the opportunity, and he responded by saying:
Honestly, the best part is just sticking it to Wade and LeBron for not truly including me in their friendship. I send them texts all the time and they never respond, always saying they just didn’t have the time to respond and then just forgot about the text. The worst is when I check their Facebook profiles and see all the parties they go to that they don’t even bother inviting me to. So I really feel that this role will give me the respect that I deserve and have missed out on for unfair reasons.
Though Chris Bosh is headlining the film, he was not the only NBA star involved in production. Staff and crew could not stop raving about Tim Duncan, who was always a consummate professional on set, consistently executing fundamentally sound dinosaur wails. Dwight Howard also auditioned for a role in the movie, but came off as desperate and pathetic to the casting director. Nevertheless, Dwight’s “pal” Jay-Z pulled some strings and got Dwight a part, but Dwight had to be replaced due to lingering back and shoulder issues, that he could not man up and deal with. In related news, while Dwight was still on set, Kobe showed up and made Dwight cry at least a dozen times, even though Kobe was not involved with the actual making of the movie. As well, LeBron James showed up on set with his chaperon and father Greg Oden to half-heartedly support Chris Bosh during production.
Some former Raptors teammates of Chris Bosh were involved with the soon to be released Jurassic Park movie. The NBA’s best lazy Turkish basketball player, Hedo Turkoglu, made a brief cameo, his only line being “ball”. Another one of Chris Bosh’s lazy Raptors teammates, Andrea Bargnani, was cast in a leading role, but ultimately struggled with weight issues due to his love of eating Primo Pasta, forcing producers to replace him with someone less disappointing.
Some NBA stars, however, decided their talents were best used helping out behind the scenes. Andrew Bynum’s hair played a small but significant role as a dinosaur egg nest. Tragically, after production for the movie wrapped up, Bynum died in a gruesome bowling incident. Brian Scalabrine was particularly integral in helping with makeup and costume design during production. When approached for a comment, Scalabrine told us, “Working on Jurassic Park reminded me of my playing days, when I used to make sure the boys got their Gatorade at a slightly chilled temperature and the team always had clean towels when they were on the bench. I like taking care of my teammates, and I treated the crew on set the same way as I would my teammates on the basketball court. You won’t believe the praise I’ve gotten for my hair product and skin care recommendations.”
Interestingly, the new Jurassic Park’s all NBA cast is part of a recent trend of NBA stars working in the movie industry. In fact, Chris Bosh is just one of several NBA stars to make the move to the silver screen in a leading role. Retired former NBA All-Star Sam Cassell, taking on the role everyone has been clamoring for, has been cast to play E.T. in a remake of the Spielberg classic. Vince Carter, too, was cast in a leading role, slated to play opposite Johnny Depp in the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Unfortunately for Carter he was found writhing in pain after slightly bumping into another cast member, with the concomitant injury being deemed serious enough by Carter for him to drop out of the movie. Most recently, Kevin Durant has been generating significant Oscar buzz for his leading role in a remake of Space Jam, though most agree that LeBron James looks like the clear winner at this point. Whispers around Tinsel Town also have it that Allen Iverson was Tarantino’s original choice for the leading role in Django Unchained, but Iverson was ultimately replaced by Jamie Foxx for refusal to practice his lines. Iverson then went on to do highly inefficient acting elsewhere.
We followed up on Chris Bosh’s address to the media, personally asking him about the influx of NBA players in Hollywood, he responded:
Honestly man, it doesn’t even surprise me, in the least bit. With guys flopping all the time in the league now, it was just a matter of time before guys realized that faking a hit in a game is pretty much acting.
As for the future of NBA players in acting and movie production?
I’m not worried about the future or whether guys in the league are going to keep working in Hollywood, I’m just trying to take things one step at a time for me, one film at a time, and appreciate the moment, said Bosh.
Meanwhile, LeBron James and Dwayne Wade snickered behind him.