The winter Olympics in Sochi have produced some memorable moments thus far, including the release of photos revealing the construction of side-by-side toilets, complaints of poorly designed courses, Russian cronyism inflating the cost of the games, back room dealings amongst figure skating judges, and reports of the comically small beds being slept on by the respective men’s hockey teams. But once the games are over the Russian government has to deal with an impending problem: what will it do with all the stray Olympians? Unless the issue resolves itself, Russia says it might exterminate them.
Public reaction to the possibility of Russia exterminating stray Olympians has been largely muted and apathetic in character. However, one charity organization, Adopt-An-Olympian, has been strongly opposing the decision to exterminate. Jamie Greenwich, president of Adopt-An-Olympian, says he has been running his adoption agency for the past 20 years, finding homes for over 1000 stray Olympians thus far. Jamie Greenwich also said, “It’s unfortunate that it happens after every Olympics. Once the games are over, people realize how useless it is to sponsor a professional athlete in an esoteric sport such as the [always hilarious] two-man luge. And once people realize that, they sort of just leave the athletes behind. But at Adopt-An-Olympian, we make sure we find homes for as many stray Olympians as we can, while also trying to find the best match between them and their adoptive parents. In fact, I adopted a Chinese gymnast from the last Olympics, and I even got her an adorable Olympian-house in the backyard for her to sleep in. Not only have I saved the life of a stray Olympian, but I’ve also been richly rewarded myself.”
I attempted to approach Putin for a comment. After nervously waiting for him in his office as angry Russian men continually leered at me, Putin gloriously rode his stead into the room while wearing the pelt of a bear he recently killed, caressing two naked blonde women and being shirtless. With my knees trembling in the presence of his magnificence, I asked Putin about Russia’s plan to exterminate stray Olympians. As his lips began to move, I fainted. After waking from my comatose state 5 days later, I managed to successfully ask the same question to Putin without passing out. Putin said, “Listen, it is like, what you say, troublesome situation. We are dealing with it in best way we can. And to Russians, best way involves guns. Lots of guns.”
The situation involving Gus Kensworthy poses unique problems for Putin and the Russian government, as well. Kensworthy has delayed his flight back to the United States in order to resolve issues involving his adoption of stray Sochi puppies, many of which have already been exterminated in brutal and horrifying ways. But in case the world-beating efficiency of Russian bureaucracy is not timely enough, Russia may have a stray Gus Kensworthy problem on its hands. After slamming back a shot of vodka, Putin described extermination as the solution: “It’s like killing two birds with one stone. Or as we say in Russia, four puppies and an American with one AK-47”.
Nevertheless, Russia is not without opposition. Half-hearted disagreement by the general populace threatens to annoy the Russian government enough to not bother actually doing anything. For those of us with a soft spot for Olympians without a family or home, that may be our only hope.