On February 14, I had the opportunity to sit down with the other Student Project Leads and Coordinators for the Ontario Law Student Mental Health Initiative (OLSMHI, for now). Every Ontario law school, including Lakehead, had a representative there. We had a lot to discuss over the course of the day, including the results of the survey that some of you were kind enough to fill out. From the survey and from anecdotal experience, the group identified a number of different problems. One specific barrier to better law student mental health that emerged was that students are reluctant to access services when they have had unhelpful encounters with Administration or other staff members. In some cases, it seems even well intentioned people are missing the mark and turning students off from seeking resources in the future.
In response to this problem, OLSMHI has started to speak with Administration and others about how they see their own abilities to support students who approach them. So far, one theme in the feedback we have received is that many people with whom law students interact do not feel that they have the appropriate training to respond to the stresses that students have. Depending on the situation for a student, going through the Administration might not be a choice. For this reason, the Administration and other staff have an obligation to be as supportive of students as possible, regardless of training. It is here that I see a disconnect. “As possible” does not mean “as a trained counselor.” It means “as possible.” Many people seem to forget that, even if you are not an expert in the field, being a decent human being is never going to hurt, and will often help a bit.
Although it came up in that context, this problem is not unique to the Administration. Sure, for some individuals “not having the training” may be an excuse, and for some it may be that they are a little too worried about liability. But, many of us have fellow law students that we support, some even through more formal relationships like the Mentorship Program and could benefit from checking ourselves for the same impulse. It is easy to think “I don’t really know what I’m doing, what good could I possibly do talking with this person?” However, I’m concerned because, on a stressful day, that can easily become “I couldn’t help this person if I wanted to, so I’m not really going to try,” and that attitude will almost certainly do harm.
I’m not suggesting that we should pretend that we are able to take on roles for which we’re unqualified and potentially ill suited, but we shouldn’t need training to be a little compassionate. When someone is reaching out, it is essential that he/she keep momentum, even if that means changing directions. Don’t be a roadblock. That said, it can be challenging to know how to support someone in the moment. So, the next time someone comes to you and needs help that you feel you just can’t give, keep these few tips in mind while speaking with them:
1) Don’t make it about yourself.
Of course, you want to empathize and show your friend that you’re there for them, even though you cannot actually fix their problem. But, commiserating by sharing your own stress is often not the best way to be empathetic. At law school, it can also devolve into “competitive anxiety,” where you try to figure out who has it worse. Also, although it seems like the right thing to say, there is a good chance that you don’t “totally understand” whatever it is that your friend is going through. Do your best to normalize your friend’s behaviour and identify with the person, but do not make it about you. It is important to listen for a few minutes to find out what is really going on, because you may be able to help more than you thought, and you will also need to know what is going on in order to help them find the right resource. If push comes to shove, bite your tongue and give them a warm smile. Body language speaks volumes.
2) Don’t try to fix it.
Further to the last point, this is not about you. It is about whomever you’re listening to. Although it may feel good to offer solutions to a friend’s problems, or, alternatively, may feel bad to listen to a friend who you think is making bad decisions, the moment that this person is reaching out is not the time for you to focus on your emotional response to their issues. Further, the best way to help someone isn’t usually to do something for them, but to support them through the ups and downs as they tackle their own problems.
3) Don’t leave them hanging.
You don’t feel like an appropriate resource for your friend. But, hopefully you’ve listened to them for a few minutes and have figured out what is going on for them. If you want to help them, the best thing you can do is to find a person that really can, and encourage your friend to speak with them.
There is the list. It is not exhaustive, but its also not too exhausting. Being supportive, even if you can’t be the real support, can go a long way.