SECOND BASE, THOUGH MOST EXPERTS DON’T EXPECT HIM TO BE HEALTHY
UNTIL AFTER THE ALL-STA R BREAK .
The Toronto Blue Jays, in a surprise twist, have just announced that they will not be playing a second baseman, despite initially confirming Ryan Goins as the opening day starter at the position. In a press conference, General Manager Alex Anthopoulos said, “Out of desperation we named Ryan Goins the starting second baseman. The previous year we signed Macier Izturis with the expectation that he would be our second baseman for the foreseeable future, but he turned out to be god-awful and has continued to be god-awful in spring training as well. We thought that Ryan Goins would be the logical, in-house alternative, but after carefully reviewing our decision, we have decided that this team is honestly just better off without the shitbag options we have at second base disgracing the field with their incompetence, either defensively or at the plate.”
In response to criticism of his decision, Anthopoulos responded by saying, “Listen, it’s in the numbers. Ryan Goins, according to our internal statistics team, projects to be a below replacement level player, so by not having him play it’s addition by subtraction. Also, new hitting coach Kevin Seitzer says Ryan Goins is hopeless, and this is the same guy who didn’t even think Jeff Francoeur was hopeless enough to not bother. As for Macier Izturis, we speculate that he was the cause of Melky Cabrera’s back tumour, so we’re just hoping he either retires or dies. We have no interest in having him even give eye contact to the other players on the team, let alone actually play baseball in any capacity.”
What about free agency? Stephen Drew, whose natural position is at shortstop, has expressed a willingness to play second base—as he has in the past—depending on the right situation. Drew turned down a qualifying offer from the Red Sox, and has still not found a suitor to meet his contract demands, despite the impending start of the season. The Jays could sign Drew to play second base, and also to act as a back-up to Jose Reyes at shortstop in case of injury—which would be especially prudent for the Jays given Reyes’ history with injury and his most recent MRI confirming a mild hamstring strain that could bother him throughout the early parts of the season.
Anthopoulos, when pressed on the issue, defending his inaction this offseason, saying, “Okay, for one, we got rid of JP Arencibia, so that should give us about 10 wins right there. Dustin McGowan has been on the weighted balls program, so we project him to win the Cy Young. Buehrle is not depressed about his pit bull anymore, so we shouldn’t have to worry about him encountering the same early season woes that he did last year. During the offseason, RA Dickey climbed three more mountains, wrote two additional autobiographies, a screenplay about his journey through baseball, and started a religion centered on worship of the knuckleball—so we’re confident that Dickey will get his Zen back and pitch like a front-end starter. Hutchison is a young kid who shows a lot of promise and who definitely won’t get injured due to our poor pitching instruction and lack of a competent medical team. Ditto for Morrow. What I’m saying is that this team looks so good we don’t need Stephen Drew, or anyone playing second base at all. The position is just overrated anyways.”
The Obiter approached Scott Boras, Drew’s agent, for a comment on the Blue Jays’ offseason “activity”, and the front office’s decision not to play a second baseman. Boras said, “It’s ridiculous. Stephen Drew is a legit player and the Jays desperately need him; they have no viable internal options, even at the lowest levels of the minors. The only reason they haven’t signed him is either because Alex Anthopoulos is an idiot or Rogers is just cheap—and it’s probably the latter. Have you seen how much they charge for internet and data plans? And you’re telling me you can’t sign Stephen frickin’ Drew? I mean we’re talking about… Stephen. Frickin’. Drew. I know I’m his agent, but there’s only so much selling of a player I can do before I’m not taken seriously in the industry. It’s Stephen Drew, man. Just give him whatever you have in your piggy bank and I’m sure he’ll be ecstatic to sign. If you don’t have anything in your piggy bank, then whatever you have under your couch will work, like an old piece of gum or even just lint.”
Regardless of the criticism, the Blue Jays plan to continue the year without a second baseman—that means no Ryan Goins, Macier Izturis, or even free agent Stephen Drew. How long the Jays will continue with this strategy of not having anyone play second base remains a mystery. One thing is for certain, though: the Blue Jays do not have the foggiest chance in hell of making the playoffs.