I pray every Sunday.
Before you label me as a zealot-dogmatist, I would like to inform you that a lot of my praying occurs during afternoon football games.
I am a football fanatic. I watch the draft. I exceed my allotted mobile data to follow the off-season signings and trades. I watch the 1:00 p.m., 4:00 p.m., and late night games on Sunday. I watch the terrible matchups on Thursday nights because it’s still football. I watch all of the highlights for the week’s games. I follow all of the pertinent analysts on social media. Statistics ooze through my pores. I am simply in love with the game.
One thing that I don’t love: fantasy football. I detest it. It is the harbinger of doom, bane of autumn, and a malevolent force that holds a large contingent of the population hostage on weekends.
Every August, I go through the same thing. If you, as a person with free will, have abstained from fantasy football—as I admonish you—do not ever join. You will regret it. Trust me.
For the unknowing, fantasy football allows users to act as manager for a virtual team in the National Football League (NFL). Points are rewarded based on touchdowns thrown or scored, yardage accrued, and (possibly) receptions made. Each fantasy team matches up against another in a head-to-head every week or is ranked against the entire league over the course of the season. Fantasy players are either drafted or auctioned where users use virtual money to bid. Players that were not drafted are in a pool called the waivers. The ‘free agents’ from this pool are added to teams throughout the season. That is the game in its simplest form, although it can get more complicated, depending on the league settings.
Impressed? Regardless, without further ado, here are five reasons why fantasy football sucks:
1. There is little, if any, skill required to win a matchup or league. I mean, clearly your fantasy team is better than your opponent this week. Yet lo and behold, your stacked roster is choking while your inferior opponent is dancing circles around you. By the way, that player who you wanted to pick up off the waiver wire just put up thirty fantasy points. Expletives galore.
2. Consistency is often unpredictable. Remember the matchup that Aaron Rodgers had against that porous defence? Wasn’t he supposed to throw at least four touchdowns? Well, he only threw one, fumbled the ball after a sack, and threw two (yes, two) picks. Also, that tailback who has never started a game in his life just totalled two hundred yards from scrimmage.
3. An early injury can ruin your entire matchup. A 1:00 p.m. game pits Jamaal Charles against the turnstile run defence of Cleveland, where he is literally and figuratively salivating at the matchup. You feel pretty good about your chances. Uh-oh, Jamaal Charles has just been carted off the field with what appeared to be an ankle injury. Halftime comes and goes; Charles’ return is still questionable. At the beginning of the fourth quarter, it’s reported that he will not return, leaving you with eleven unimpressive rushing yards.
4. The player that you drafted in the top ten or twelve may not finish anywhere close to the top ten or twelve in scoring at the end of the year. Don’t get me wrong; there are some players who are consistently at the top of their game. Running backs like Matt Forte, Adrian Peterson (barring injury and/or suspension), Jamaal Charles, and Marshawn Lynch are perennial leaders in scoring at their position. Receivers such as Antonio Brown, Jordy Nelson, Demaryius Thomas, Julio Jones, and Dez Bryant will likely be somewhere in the top eight or so (you get the point). At the same time, look at players like Ray Rice, Calvin Johnson, Trent Richardson, or Zac Stacy. All of them excelled for one year in their position, then had a subpar year immediately after. It can happen and your draft strategy is not impervious to the underachievement bug.
5. It is a game and things do happen that are beyond your control. Blowouts, inclement weather, and momentum shifts often alter the game plan, and thus, affect the success of your team.
Hence, every December I retire from fantasy football. Every June I sign up to play again.
Remember, do as I say and not as I do.
Fantasy football makes or breaks my Sunday. My Monday is either great or wrought with anguish. I torment myself over which player to target on the waiver wire. I hate myself for benching the player who outscored three of my starters. I love myself for ignoring the masses and starting Eli after he torches Seattle. I hate when friends say “Get over it, it’s just a game.” I love when one of the my opponent’s players was a late scratch and they forgot to check the injury report. I hate when my team defence concedes forty points to an anaemic offense. I hate this stupid game called fantasy football. It is the worst thing that has ever been conceived.
At the same time, fantasy football is as popular as ever, and as a sports enthusiast, I would be remiss if I did not discuss the craze that is dominating Yahoo and ESPN online servers from August to December.
Anyway, here are five reasons why fantasy football is so damn popular:
1. There is little, if any, skill required to win a matchup or league. This can also work in your favour in games where you had no business winning.
2. You can win a ton of money. You are likely playing to win the league pot rather than just bragging rights.
3. It is enjoyable when you win. You may feel like an idiot when you lose when you look at your bench and realize that playing Greg Olsen over Jordan Cameron would have given you the extra two points needed for this week’s victory.
4. Draft preparations and drafting itself do require strategy. Drafting is actually a lot of fun. Deciding when to select your running backs, receivers, and tight ends actually requires strategy, particularly when other members select your targeted players and thwart your plan. It’s advisable to be cognizant of the tiers and trends during drafts. Observing the rosters of other draftees helps you predict who will be available in the upcoming rounds.
5. Football has supplanted baseball as America’s pastime. The NFL generates more revenue than any other major professional sports association in North America. A lot of fans play fantasy sports and its popularity will only continue to proliferate, leaving you with lots to talk about at the water cooler.
In any case, fantasy football is a minefield. It is a quagmire of melancholy and misery. This insidious creature, hiding in your room, shows its face in the summer
Fantasy football is the worst. This is my swan song.
Most likely.
Probably not.