CIA: Condescending Insufferable Artists
Langley, Virginia; November 19th
Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, Gina Cheri Haspel announced to the press that the CIA will be undergoing radical changes over the upcoming year. Ms. Haspel began the press conference discussing the history of the CIA and its seven decades of failed operations—be it trying to overthrow democracies, Nazi scientist job creation programs, or suppressing domestic civil rights groups, the CIA has rarely found its operations successful. Renamed the Centre for Insufferable Artists, Ms. Haspel announced that the CIA will now become the world’s number one talent agency and art dealership”.
This new pivot to all things creative was inspired by arguably the most successful CIA covert operation: The Fairfield Foundation. In the midst of the cold war, taking a break from espionage, assassinations and contaminating French bread supplies with LSD, the CIA focused on funneling resources into art to win the culture war against the Soviets.
The CIA sought to undermine Soviet propaganda efforts by funding things just to drown it out, particularly by financing creative writing workshops, funnelling money and influence to dozens of organizations, organizing gallery shows, concerts and performances showcasing the best of American cultural exports at the time.
They also influenced the art world, departing from social realism and funded more abstract forms of art, such as Cubists, and your favourite famous artist who painted like a drunken five year old, splashy-splash-splash man Jackson Pollock.
After the cold War ended, the C.I.A then resumed the operations they are most known for: assassination, secrecy, and botched secret assassinations. In a world of puppy Instagram accounts, the CIA now recognizes the need for a more subtle approach. Ms. Haspel stated the CIA’s scientists are hard at work inventing all sorts of new drugs. In the meantime the Agency is deploying its reserves of LSD to university campuses across the country.
“The days of wiretapping are over,” Ms. Haspel told reporters, explaining that the Agency will now focus on artists so starved for attention, they in fact request that the CIA eavesdrop on their conversations, so they know there’s at least one person out there listening.
The C.I.A also pledged to review its torture policies; however human rights advocates have expressed reservations. “As detestable as we find water boarding, it is still more humane than forcing detainees to listen to a liberal arts major discuss their surface level interpretation of Camus, or listen to a dramatic reading of Margaret Wente, back from retirement.” Said a representative from the ACLU.
To bring in more funding, the C.I.A. will lean into LSD, and partner with drug visionaries such as Cheech and Chong, Snoop Dog, Joe Rogan, and your High School Drama teacher — who always carried lots of eye drops on him — to create a Marijuana-LSD Hybrid. The Drug is specifically made to enhance creativity, and increases the opportunity for an out of body experience by 200%. Due to current drug laws in that states, the C.I.A. has decided to positively meddle in foreign affairs for once, and will be testing consumer demand through Pop-up Shops in Canada. Opening locations will be Kensington Market, and wherever there is a high concentration of bohemian hipsters.
For this new direction, the C.I.A recognized the need for new personnel. They will be heavily recruiting the artistic, ambitious and well-centred. The opening exam for recruitment is the following:
- Applicants must write a 1000 word essay on how they will NEVER be like their parents. Bonus points if your parents pay for your food, lodging, and the computer you use to type the essay.
- Applicants can voluntarily submit photos of their tattoos for consideration, and will receive bonus points for tattoos of Chinese characters that mean the exact opposite of what they thought they meant.
- Finally, applicants must roleplay as an agent talking to a destitute screenwriter talking about how “Hollywood just doesn’t make REAL movies anymore” and must read their screenplay with them.
Applicants will be recruited from Starbucks around the U.S. If you look like a broke person on a Macbook, they will reach out to you.