OSTRAVA, CZE — Canada’s Akil Thomas deked Russian Goaltender Amir Miftakhov with 3 minutes remaining, giving Canada a 4-3 lead and helping them capture Gold at the 2020 U-20 World Junior Hockey Championships.
But the bigger prize for Thomas and many other members of Team Canada, all between 17 and 19 years of age, was that they would not be incessantly tormented on social media for the next few months by men much older than them.
Last year’s Team Captain, Maxime Comtois, received multiple death threats online after he missed a penalty shot in overtime of Canada’s 2-1 quarter-final loss to Finland.
“Yeah, the gold medal is nice and all,” said Thomas after the game, “but I’m happier that now I don’t have to read 20 comments on how much I suck every time I open up my Instagram.”
Canada’s captain, Barrett Hayton, was also publicly criticized for failing to take his helmet off for the Russian national anthem during Canada’s 6-0 loss to Russia earlier in the tournament. Hayton, 19, was deemed a national disgrace and had people clamouring for him to be sent home early. It left people wishing for the golden age when Canada acted with “such class” at these tournaments, like in 1987 at Piestany when they were merely disqualified for fighting. You could hear the sense of relief in his voice after the game.
“A few users named something like @Jack42069 and @GrantHabsLover93 kept filling up my mentions and said my mom should have had an abortion. Hope they feel differently now.”
The game did come with some controversy, as Canada was fortunate to avoid a delay of game penalty after an errant clearance hit a camera installed by tournament broadcaster TSN, nullifying Russia’s chance at a 5-on-3 power play to tie the game. After years of heaping insurmountable expectations upon Team Canada, and perpetuating a toxic stigma by marketing the tournament ad nauseam to Canadians everywhere, TSN went from zero to hero.
“God bless that TSN camera. The real MVP of our team,” praised star Canadian forward and projected first overall pick, Alexis Lafreniere.
Hockey Canada President Scott Smith was pleased to announce that following the game, their proposed summit to address issues currently plaguing the state of hockey would be postponed after Canada’s triumphant victory.
“Who cares about the accessibility barriers, overt racial undertones and widespread abuse within our sport? We stuck it to the Russians again and that’s all that matters! Just win baby!”