Turns out a probable ineptitude for self-improvement isn’t just for individual human beings; it’s for our institutions too! A leaked internal report from Trudeau’s government details several new criminal offences and penalties the Liberals are planning to incorporate into the criminal code by the end of 2020.
These proposals were leaked by an anonymous individual who claimed to be a former member of Prime Minister Trudeau’s inner circle. While no one could identify the individual who left these secrets in a manila envelope at the door of the Obiter office, police told the press that they have found two clues: a disposable mustache and security footage revealing a Jody Wilson-Raybould-shaped silhouette exiting Osgoode at approximately 2:00 AM the previous night.
The report states that the Liberal government is pivoting from focusing on reforms meant to remedy laws and practices that disproportionately affect visible minorities and taking a left turn straight out of a round-about with their proposed resolutions. One of the main goals of the new laws is to deter common everyday faux pas. The report as well as internal communications released alongside it remain blurred on timelines. One emails writes that implementation will occur “when I get to it, trust me” while a memo detailed that the new laws will come into action “sometime next week, I’m just trying to relax.”
Some of the new laws and punishments are as follows:
- For those guilty of white-collar crime and high-dollar financial fraud, after serving their original prison sentences, all of their purchases greater than $10 must be paid in dimes and quarters.
- Any time a high net worth individual who is part of the 1% of the population that controls 99% of the wealth is serving probation, they are no longer allowed 2% milk and must drink 99%.
- Anyone who walks up the walking side of the escalator, suddenly stops to check their phone and impedes everyone walking behind them must now moonwalk everywhere for a month.
- Individuals found guilty of pirating movies and music must spend their entire sentence from 9am-5pm watching Cats.
- If you are found to have faked the majority of your Instagram followers, all of your photos will now be photoshopped to make you look more like Emperor Palpatine.
- If you frequently fake a bad Toronto manz accent, “WASTE YUTE” will be tattooed on your forehead.
- If you make fun of a man for expressing genuine emotion, a speaker will be taped to your back that only plays “Marvins Room”.
- If you make fun of a woman for being assertive, you have to tilt your entire body straight to the side everywhere you go so you can understand how hard it is to Lean In.
- For people that sneeze without covering their mouth on a crowded subway, the punishment is death.
Political pundits are currently wondering how the Liberals will ensure they are held accountable for enacting these reforms as a minority government. An anonymous cabinet member says that once the laws are finalized, they will list them in a series of Instagram stories so “people know for SURE that we’re going to follow through this time”. Other strategies the liberal government is planning to ensure implementation include reading productivity blogs, creating a Royal Commission to further investigate Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret and making “a colour-coordinated vision board.”