As the Obiter Dicta’s cherished readership surely knows, we are a newspaper of unscrupulous ethical standards and unquestionable moral integrity. It might come as a surprise, then, that a significant chunk of the Obiter’s operating budget has hitherto come from the international law firms who pay to advertise in our esteemed periodical. As “Big Law” has come under increased scrutiny for being a vehicle of corporate greed whose only concern is its bottom line, the Obiter’s management team has decided to rethink its partnerships with these advertisers in favour of those that better reflect our values. In their stead, I am pleased to announce that Obiter will have a new sponsor for the upcoming school year: DraftKings!
Of course, new sponsorship means a new editorial direction for the Obiter Dicta. So as not to leave our wonderful audience in the dark, I have been given the assignment of walking you through the exciting changes that can be expected under DraftKings’ distinguished patronage. Sports betting is the way of the future, and we will not be left behind.
First, a minor change. As you well know, the Obiter revived its beloved crossword for volume 96—a welcome return, albeit a short-lived one. For volume 97, we have decided to replace the crossword with scratch-off cards, which we trust will be more amenable to the sensibilities of law students. Instead of putting one’s intelligence to the test, market research has concluded that the chance to earn real money is a stimulus that law students better respond to. Further, there were a few unfortunate instances of students developing a crossword addiction. We would hate for law students to develop their addiction issues prematurely, so the removal of the morally hazardous crossword was the least we could do to satisfy our ethical obligations.
The more obvious changes will be coming to the sports column, which will now be dedicated to all things betting. Readers will be delighted to learn that the Obiter Dicta has hired an actuary to set game lines, player props, and the over-under for even the most trivial games—boys U12 baseball, anyone? Of course, money doesn’t come easy—unless you use code “OBITER” on DraftKings for a $25 bonus bet—so we will be retiring the position of sports editor to accommodate the costs of an actuary. Let me assuage your concerns now: the Obiter Dicta is NOT becoming a sportsbook. The very thought is repugnant, and I should make explicit that the Obiter will never take bets from students*.
The most sweeping change, however, will hardly be noticed. Instead of having students submit articles, the Obiter will be using artificial intelligence to fill its pages. Editing student submissions is a time-consuming process that squanders the mental energy of our editorial staff. By focusing our resources away from articles, we will be able to offer more exciting gaming-oriented content! Wary readers can rest easy, too: after extensive testing, the Obiter’s editorial team was unable to discern AI-produced articles from those of Osgoode students.
Though the Obiter’s new direction may be jarring for some—I’m looking at you, woke moralizers—we trust that DraftKings’ magnanimity will not go underappreciated. And if I have yet to win you over, it’s because I’ve saved the best news for last: the first ten readers will receive fifty free spins on DraftKings’ online casino.