KYLE REES
<Osgoode News Editor>
Guys, I have a confession to make. And now that it’s the last issue of Obiter, I feel safe doing so. I have been, and am currently, a spy for the Newfoundland legal profession.
I’m serious.
I was sent to Osgoode on the orders of the Law Society of Newfoundland and Labrador as an ambassador for the Province, to boldly go where so many have gone before and failed to return. I was sent to both represent Newfoundland to the Far West and to gather information about your strange and foreign legal system to bring back to Newfoundland, so that it might profit from this knowledge.
I’m serious.
My tuition may have even been paid in exchange for this information. In fact, I may have not even been admitted to Osgoode until I was interviewed for this task by the Law Society. After months of silence and stonewalling whenever I called Admissions at Osgoode, I was mysteriously admitted the day after my interview with the NL Law Society.
I’m serious.
I was also told that I was chosen for the task, not because I was the brightest candidate, nor even the second-brightest (the fact that I was explicitly told this did little for my self-confidence, but who was I to look a gift horse in the mouth?), but because I would be a good ‘ambassador for the Province’ (Seriously). I took this to mean that they thought I could be easily manipulated into stealing Canada’s state secrets (which everyone knows are kept in North York) and bringing them back to Newfoundland. In that I have succeeded.
So in the event that I never make it back to my Island Fortress again, and am in fact seized en route and have to swallow the pill of cod liver oil I keep stored in a fake molar in the event of capture (it won’t kill me, but it will taste so bad I will wish I was dead), I have published the secrets in Obiter Dicta. I think this is the safest course of action, since that is the only place I know where I can be certain no one will read them.
So, my Newfie Brethren, here is a list of the things I have learned about Toronto. It may seem shocking and strange to us Island Folk, but I assure you of its accuracy.
- 1. Torontonians have no ability to communicate with strangers: I know this because I tried to start up a conversation with people on the subways and buses for the first few months of my tenure. They seemed frightened and wary. One even passed me his wallet, assuming I was robbing him. I bought some Twinkies with the money. They were delicious.
- 2. Lawyers here work in buildings so high, they need to take an elevator to reach their offices: In fact, your ears will pop in the elevator ride up. This is in contrast to our law offices, in which you can jump out of a window on the top floor (the 4th) and not be injured. Which is especially useful when you need to escape from a talkative client.
- 3. Torontonians use terrestrial transportation: mostly subways and streetcars. The local authorities got very upset when I tried to row my dingy down Yonge Street. Backed up traffic for miles. Also, I didn’t catch a single fish.
- 4. Lawyers here charge in dollars for their services: Which I think is strange. The ‘three-flaked-cod-per-billable-hour’ system we use makes so much more sense.
- 5. Torontonian females wear a uniform: it consists of skinny jeans, high leather boots, some kind of scarfy-thing and a coat with a fake fur collar.
- 6. They have a different version of Tim Horton’s here: they call it ‘Starbucks’ and it sells the same beverage for 5x the price. But sometimes they put in extra milk or change the language of the cup sizes to keep everyone confused.
- 7. If you end your sentences with the word “B’y”, people get confused, and think you have ended the conversation and are wishing them farewell. Which is a good excuse to stop talking, if you ask me.
- 8. Parking costs money: I mention this because if we invade Toronto, as we shall eventually, it will be hard to find a place to park our warships. Which means we would end up circling around looking for a place and end up missing half of the invasion, which is annoying.
- 9. Winter ends: I could not believe that April arrived and I did not have to shovel my way out of the door. The nice weather has made Torontonians weak. But nicely tanned, I’ll give them that. Tanned, but weak.
- 10. Despite the scary stories we were told as children (to prevent us from going to Alberta once we reached the Newfoundland working age of five), Mainlanders are generally pretty nice people.
Which is the most surprising part of my experience. I’ve met some really great people here. People that I will legitimately be sad to leave, even though I miss Home so badly. To those of you who have been with me since I started this whole law school thing (and some of you who I’ve met only recently): thank you. You’ve made a tough assignment much more bearable, occasionally even enjoyable.
I’m serious.