KAROLINA WISNIEWSKI
<Opinions Editor>
As this issue goes to press, we’re (I’m?) still trying to compose ourselves after Queen B reduced us all to incapacitated, drooling, incontinent shells of our former selves just a few hours earlier. Scarcely a day has passed since the Super Bowl halftime show to end all Super Bowl halftime shows, and the Interweb has already inundated me with astute and perceptive critiques that all basically say “WOW Beyoncé literally blew the lights out #electrifying” and invariably make me go ugggggggggggggggggh. Although Beyoncé went absolutely H.A.M., I’m wondering whether we, and initially, I, are too quick to praise. Is this like the time Britney Spears had her comeback and the only song that radio stations were allowed to play (by law) was “Womanizer” for something like a month, until we all realized that a) it wasn’t really that good (at least, it would never measure up to “Baby One More Time”), and b) Britney Spears was seriously mentally ill – shouldn’t she not be doing this right now?
In the name of hard-hitting journalism, I am going to put on my detective hat and get to the bottom of the conundrum that mercilessly keeps you up at night: how good was Beyoncé’s Halftime show – really? The methodology I propose is the scientifically indisputable and invariably accurate pro-con list.
Pros:
- Beyoncé is not Lady Gaga
- My MS Word corrects Beyoncé every time I type it to include the accent over the “e” – ergo, she is more of a social and cultural fixture than Nietzsche, which my computer doesn’t understand
- She performed the excellent and underrated “End of Time”
- Strobe lights
- Fire
- Flashing the HOV sign (side note: whoever thinks that was an Illuminati gesture – I can’t talk to you anymore)
- The dancing. All of the dancing.
- The general “haters to the left” atmosphere of the performance
- The return of the “Crazy in Love” strut
- The fact that this precipitates the announcement of the Mrs. Carter world tour
- Performing “Single Ladies” with an army of backup dancers
- The fact that #SuperbOwl was trending on Twitter, which, admittedly, is only tangentially related to Beyoncé’s performance, but which was so brilliant and allowed me to spend some time pursuing the sorely underrated pastime of perusing Google images of owls
- Blue Ivy exists (I realize this portion of my data gathering is veering slightly off-course, so lets turn to the cons…)
Cons:
- The painfully forced “smoldering eyes” she periodically directed at the camera
- The horribly awkward “entry” of Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams
- The performance of “Bootylicious.” This was unacceptable. They moderately redeemed themselves by performing “Independent Women,” but I was looking forward to something more akin to “Say My Name”
- The awkward outline of Beyoncé in flame that opened the whole performance
- When, instead of singing the lyrics contained within the song, Beyoncé yelled “HALOOOOOO!!!!!” for approximately two minutes
- The head-banging, done to the soundtrack of “Halo,” which made me really uncomfortable
- Neglecting to perform “Crazy in Love” with Jay-Z – I would probably give up a kidney to see that
- Neglecting to perform “Countdown” (Who let this happen? I want names.)
- The digital Beyoncés (can you imagine watching that back 10 years from now? Embarrassing.)
- Shoo-ing Kelly and Michelle off the stage like “Ok thanks but leave now.”
Verdict:
Compiling this list (and re-watching the show) has made it inescapably clear what I knew all along: it’s Beyoncé’s world and we’re just living in it. Additional evidence in support of this: Ashley Simpson lip-syncs on SNL and her “career” is over; Beyoncé lip-syncs at the PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION and we all talk about how passionately she ripped her earpiece out – she obviously has so much artistic integrity even when she is lying to us. Also, instead of criticizing her, Republicans across America took this opportunity to suggest that maybe Obama lip-synced his oath, thus invalidating his second term. Lesson to be learned: when Beyoncé screws up, Obama takes the heat. World domination: secured.