OTTAWA, ON – It was a calm afternoon as the newest crop of Canadian MPs were set to be sworn in. Freshmen MPs nervously adjusted their ties as veterans could not wait to get the pomp and circumstance over with. All of this was brought to a screeching halt as a familiar figure burst into the legislature, kicking down the door and sending debris everywhere.
The other MPs stood in shock as Jody Wilson-Raybould darkened the door frame of the House, wearing sunglasses and chain-smoking cigarettes like one of the cool girls. Eyewitnesses told us that she “looked like a badass” and a “strong independent who didn’t need no cabinet position.”
“Rumours of my unelectability were gravely exaggerated,” JWR chuckled darkly. Glancing at Scheer, Trudeau, Blanchet, and Singh, she asked “Did you little boys miss me?” in a chilling tone. For once, Elizabeth May was grateful to not be included.
Maxine Bernier, who, like always, had been inexplicably invited to this public forum, attempted to smooth things over. “Please don’t do this. I know what it’s like to have your party turn their back to you. Can’t we just talk about th-” Bernier managed to get out before the former Justice Minister lowered her Jody Wilson Ray-Bans™ to the bridge of her nose and glared at the failed party leader. He instantly dissolved into a puddle of smoking flesh, leaving behind only a 2008 Blackberry flip-phone full of racist tweet drafts.
As 1.6% of Canadians began to mourn, Scheer and Trudeau nervously looked at one another. Both knew they couldn’t handle another non-blackface-related scandal. “We have to get out of here right now,” Scheer said Wexit-ly. A furious Jagmeet stood up. “This is all your fault, Trudeau. She never would have even gotten a seat under proportional representation.” Singh’s words resonated with the other members of parliament, though only about 44% as strongly as the popular vote would suggest.
Until this point Mr. Trudeau had done what he did best, offering empty platitudes to try to calm everyone down. Losing control of the chaos, Trudeau cautiously began to speak: “…What do you want, Jody? You’re interfering with the swearing-in process.”
“Oh so now you don’t want me to interfere? That’s certainly a different tune for you, Justin,” the former Justice Minister said as she ran her fingernails down a chalkboard that Jane Philpott had brought into Parliament for this very purpose. “I’ve recorded dirt on each and every one of you, and we all know I’m not afraid to let it get out. I SNC-erely hope you’re ready for the storm that’s coming,” Wilson-Raybould whistleblowed.
Obiter had reached out to party leaders for comment, but at press time they had each been shoved into lockers. One thing was clear though; despite only having one seat, Jody Wilson-Raybould’s platform of dunking on Trudeau was a greater political force than the People’s Party of Canada, and will definitely hold the balance of power for the next several years.