TORONTO, ON – Responding to considerable public pressure regarding arcane and unfair Legal Aid requirements, the Ford administration has announced what it has determined to be a more practical and easily understood set of criteria “for the people”.
Long have legal professionals and concerned members of the public argued that Legal Aid’s current financial cutoffs have been far too restrictive, and do not reflect regional differences in cost of living. Queen’s Park has announced it is scrapping our system based on gross income and family size. Instead, Legal Aid will be based on a more flexible model of wealth.
As such, Legal Aid will now be available to all unless the party meets one or more of the following:
Unavailable to anyone who has listened to more true crime podcasts than the number of people they know accused of a crime.
Unavailable to anyone who looks at their neighbours in a restaurant and says “ooh that looks good” when their food arrives.
Unavailable to anyone who has purchased a product from goop™.
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Unavailable to anyone who has ever said “you just gotta travel the world when you’re young”.
Unavailable to anyone who asks you to pay you back for an amount less than $5.
Unavailable to anyone who has been asked by a friend to attend their improv show.
Unavailable to anyone who has even once tasted a shrimp.