HELL—Earlier today the price of a human soul has plummeted to a record low when Osgoode student April Smith sold her soul for a B+ in Dale Lastman’s Securities class.
For many in the 9 circles of Hell, this is proof of a robust economy and is encouraging others to take advantage of the situation. “You know, a decade ago, only the highest lords of Hell could afford purchasing an eternal slave, the market surplus has managed to put the souls lawyers in the hands of working class demons.” Said Cyn’dshyra, an Associate Manager at The Seven Torments and budding entrepreneur. “In fact, a couple friends of mine have pooled our resources together in order to buy some souls in bulk. In a few decades we’ll be able to rent them out to low-income devils to draft contracts at a discounted rate. Lawyers have been talking a big game about promoting accessibility while in law school then going off to Bay Street and charging $800 an hour. This is what access to justice looks like.”
Many of Hell’s denizens feel that lawyers are getting a raw deal, and are sympathetic to the plight of young lawyers. Belazul, the All Seeing; a thousand-eyed floating watcher and Osgoode alumni told Obiter that, “Lawyers do so much already. I mean just to become a lawyer, almost all trade their social lives to get ahead, and many trade their eternal lives too. All just to help corporations get away with polluting the water supplies in developing countries or and evicting low-income tenants to build lofts. You know, serving the public interest, doing the Lord’s work. I felt so sorry for this one student, who was trying to sell her soul just to get into Estates with Professor Black.”
Lord Satan could not be reached for comment at this time.
Other sympathizes have said that regulation is necessary to ensure students get a fair shake. “It looks like the Law Society of Ontario really screwed the pooch on this one. Said Nazul, an unspeakably horrendous form of writhing tendrils that communicated by puppeteering the mouth and lungs of a tortured sinner. “I mean why even keep it around if it’s not going to protect the interests of lawyers? The whole point of creating regulatory barriers to the profession was to ensure that lawyers could get a premium and so I’m disappointed, but not surprised to see the LSO let people down yet again.” said Nazul through the limp, but still breathing body as hundreds of stringy tentacles moved under its skin.
Others however expressed concern that without regulation, innocent consumers are at risk of being taken advantage of. “You know, things are kind of like the Wild West down here, and there are a lot of problems with the market. For example, the last month my friend Belphegor bought an associate’s soul in exchange for a helping her make her end of year target for a substantial bonus. When he came to collect, he was shocked to find out she had already sold her soul back in 2014 for an OCI with a New York law firm. It’s a really dangerous market because it’s been flooded with so many bad-faith actors, so you can’t be a slouch when it comes to performing your due diligence”, said Lord Zargonthrax, a 12-foot tall goat-faced homunculus and consumer advocate. “I swear, some people have absolutely no integrity.” The grotesque, genderless heap of flesh added.
Economists expect the price of a human soul to fall even further as lawyers find even new depths to stoop to.