TORONTO, ON—Committed to improving his physical and mental well being, junior associate Todd Abrams told his peers he was especially proud of the recent lifestyle changes he’s made since January 1st, none of which include curbing his tremendous coke habit. The answer, which went into the specific changes and the way Mr. Abrams could already feel his body responding positively provided a fulsome response to the question asked by No One. No One, who works alongside Mr. Abrams at his Bay Street firm was particularly interested in what he did over Christmas and the New Year, and No One really wanted to know if he had made any resolutions. Mr. Abrams was eager to share these details when No One took interest in his personal life, and so, was happy to divulge.
In fully satisfying No One’s interest, Mr. Abrams discussed his attendance at several hot yoga classes and how it felt as though it cleansed his body of all toxins. Coworkers—who had seen Mr. Abrams do impressively large lines of coke at several staff parties—nodded along as he described his new workout routine. Mr. Abrams reported that he was delighted to find a SoulCycle so close to the firm’s downtown office and join a spin class full of fellow business perverts who recently signed up after gaining a new lease on life.
When reached for comment, Mr. Abram’s financial advisor and drug dealer, Rocco, said that the new year is a very difficult time for many local dealers, who see many of their clients stop cheating on their wives in drug fueled benders for up to several weeks. Rocco was initially worried that Mr. Abrams had given up drugs, but when he received a call from him on January 2nd, Rocco said he was surprised to hear Mr. Abrams tell him about how he wanted to run a marathon by the end of next year. This came as a great relief to Rocco, who says with this expected increase in stamina, Mr.Abrams was looking to diversify his portfolio of party drugs. Rocco flashed a smile as he told reporters that Mr. Abrams is still the same degenerate coke-fiend he’s known all these years.
Mr. Abrams was last seen double-fisting a pair of protein shakes as he strode into his office. No One sincerely hopes that Mr. Abrams will be able hold steadfast in his resolution.