On September 17th, 2019, Pete Gaynor, Acting Administrator of Federal Emergency Management Agency appeared before a congressional hearing in order to procure additional funds for the Agency. Mr. Gaynor testified that Hurricane Dorian had left FEMA grossly under resourced for the release of the upcoming Joker film.
Dorian, which reached its peak as a Category 5 hurricane with one-minute sustained winds of 185 mph (295 km/h), made landfall in the Bahamas. Damaging winds primarily affected the Virgin Islands where gusts reached 111 mph (179 km/h). Extensive precautionary measures were taken to mitigate damage, especially in Puerto Rico. In preparation for the storm, the states’ of Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina and Virginia all declared a state of emergency and many coastal counties from Florida to North Carolina issued mandatory evacuation orders.
FEMA has been closely working with Rotten Tomatoes in order to monitor the trajectory of the film, which is expected to make its way across the United States in October. The crisis was upgraded to category Fight Club following limited screening at the Toronto Film Festival, where it received rave reviews. Emergency personnel expressed deep concern that like Fight Club, the point of the film will be completely missed by every frat guy, neck beard, and mouth-breather — thus creating a wide-spread incorrect understanding of the film’s primary theme.
“I’m telling you, the worst is yet to come”, pleaded Mr. Gaynor. “This is unlike anything we’ve ever seen before, this thing is going to bring every edgelord out of the woodwork. This is the nightmare scenario we were dreading. We were hoping for no one to see this movie and for it to bomb like Justice League— we are preparing to quarantine the cultural impact of the film. Our idea was to keep all discussion to a couple man-children complaining about how biased the critics were against movies from DC on the comments section of IGN. Now we have to deal with the real possibility this movie might have some actual cultural relevance.”
FEMA is warning citizens not to discuss the film in public spaces or run the risk of snide assholes inserting themselves into the conversation to explain what the film was ‘really about’. If deemed absolutely necessary to discuss the film in public, FEMA strongly advises Americans to avoid discussing the film near anime conventions.
If engaged in conversation about the film, Americans are warned to run towards the nearest safe space; such as an Anthropologie, Lululemon, or at the very least somewhere with a shower. Experts warn that extended conversations with the above described individuals about Joker can take rapid and painful shifts, and can change to such topics like their katana collection or why women aren’t interested in dating “nice guys.”
Kevin Simmons—whose opinion no one asked for—told reporters the following when he was not reached for comment; “this movie is going to change the world, I can’t wait to see it and discuss its deep philosophical messages.” Mr. Simmons made the statement while holding a body pillow depicting Asuka Soryua, a character from the popular anime Neon Genesis Evangelion.