CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts, October 15 — Holding an emergency press conference, anthropologists at Harvard University somberly announced the discovery of homo influentiam cannabis; also known as the cannabis influencer.
Dr. Robert Thatcher, a researcher from Harvard’s Department of Anthropology, gave the following statement:
“We are terribly sorry to bring news that we have discovered a new invasive species of asshole spreading across the United States. While they may appear human, rest assured that they are not. We discovered the existence of the species only two weeks ago; and while we needed to be sure of exactly what we were dealing with before alerting the public, this news couldn’t wait for academic publication.”
Holding back tears, Dr. Thatcher continued:
“In 2014, we sent a team of 10 researchers on what was supposed to be a 4-year expedition to Denver in order to monitor the effects of reintroducing cannabis to the American population. Unfortunately, only 6 made it out alive. We lost contact back on April 20, 2017 when that year’s 4/20 celebration blanketed the entire state in a thick blanket of pot smoke; knocking out nearly all electronics in the region. Their GPS locators lost signal and we spent the better part of a year attempting to re-establish contact. Aerial reconnaissance was out of the question because of the haze that’s been permanently hanging above the city since the release of Pineapple Express 2. Last month, a rescue team found 7 members of the initial expedition; though one unfortunately died from exposure to toxic levels of CBD-laced vape juice. The rest are still in critical condition. Upon reviewing their research, we can safely conclude the existence of a new, more powerful species of influencer. While we are still hoping to find the bodies of the missing 3, we were alarmed to see new activity on one of their Instagram accounts and what appears to be a group photo posting something about #cannabislife. We can only hope that they’re dead and that the phone was scavenged by a pack of influencers. I shudder to think of the alternative.”
The Federal government is warning Canadians to stay away from cannabis influencers by avoiding identified breeding grounds such as Trinity Bellwoods Park, Oxford County, and the entire province of British Columbia. The government has stated that residents can identify cannabis influencers by the venom sacs protruding from their palms. Canadians are warned not to get too close; as scared influencers will inhale the poison from the pouches and puff it out towards perceived threats in order to assert dominance.
The discovery has caused a massive uproar in the scientific community. While there is apparent consensus that they pose a threat to humanity as a whole, many disagree that homo influentiam cannabis could be an offshoot of humanity.
“While we are grateful for the brave work of these researchers, I’ll be damned if these things are the next stage in human evolution!” said noted anthropologist Jane Goodall. “I’ve spent decades studying the great apes and I’ve seen the kind of ingenuity they’re capable of. I’ve reviewed the Instagram profiles collected thus far, and there’s no way one of those little shits could outsmart a bonobo.”
Although previously criticized for euthanizing nearly all animals that get admitted to their shelters, many have praised PETA for promising to euthanize any cannabis influencers brought to one of their shelters.